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Three Signs of Unhealthy Relationships

How to Recognize Toxic Dynamics

By Robin Arnett

Relationships are essential to our lives. They can be our greatest source of joy and fulfillment, but they can also be a cause for pain.

Sometimes dysfunction is obvious, but we can also get so accustomed to unhealthy dynamics that we don't even realize what's going on until we hit a wall. Unhealthy can be comfortable if it's familiar. Still, there will still be a nagging sense that something isn't right. It's important to be able to recognize when that's the case.

When you are in a relationship with toxic dynamics, it can feel impossible to be yourself, to be honest, and to relax. You have limited options in these kinds of situations. Those are, to pretend, to fight, or to numb.

Pretending

For many people, our first go-to is to try to make people happy and keep the peace. What this ends up looking like in practice is pretending to be happy when we're not, pretending to be someone that we're not, and essentially mirroring the other person.

Code switching is a part of life. We can't always bring all parts of ourselves to every situation we're in. For example, your work self will be different from who you bring to the table with your partner, your family, or your basketball team. It's ok to bring different versions of yourself into different scenarios.

This shape shifting becomes an issue when you are pretending more than you're not. Everyone needs to have people that they can relax and feel comfortable with. Too much time as a chameleon disconnects you from yourself, and can result in profound feelings of loneliness. If you find yourself pretending even in your closest relationships, that's a sign that something needs to change.

Fighting

Pretending takes its toll, and we eventually hit a breaking point with the charade. When exhaustion takes over, we often end up in a fight. Fighting is an attempt to be heard. We fight to stop behaviors from happening, to express our feelings, and to ask for more.

Unfortunately, we may find that no matter what we say, or how we say it, our voice is not heard. In fact, having constant, circular arguments is a sign that your boundaries need work. If someone doesn't want to hear the message that is being delivered, there's no perfect way to communicate that will change that. If you're having fights that repeat the same script again and again, this is a sign that something isn't right.

Numbing

If we find ourselves in a place where we're exhausted from pretending and fighting is pointless, this is where we shut down. This can take shape through substance use, dissociating on social media, and isolating. Numbing finds us spending time in our dorsal vagal nervous system. Being in a dorsal vagal state represents a collapse where we disconnect from others and prioritize protection.

If you are numbing in order to exist in your relationships, it's time to hit the breaks and assess the situation. You should never have to collapse in order to coexist. Fortunately, you have options.

What's Next?

If you recognize that you are constantly pretending, fighting, or numbing in your relationships, healthy boundaries can help you to reconnect with yourself and take ownership of your mental health. Boundaries help you to change your relationship landscape. They are about healthy, honest, open communication, empowerment, and self-love. Boundaries can improve your relationships and help you to grow your self-worth and self-esteem.

If you need help getting started, the Intuitive Boundaries Mastery Series course is a great way to build a foundation and connect to support. This course gives you the tools to say "no," to ask for more, and to decide where you may need to take space or even leave.

You deserve relationships that are nourishing, authenic, and safe. Don't ever forget how worthy you are.

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